Look 'em in the eyes...

Today's blog is about a recent observation I've made regarding communication.  If you know me, you know I'm a talker, a listener, a question asker, and story teller.  I like to make sure that people feel involved in the conversation and I also want them to know I'm interested and listening to what they say. This, however, leaves me with my most recent observation- the awkwardness and overthinking involved with making eye contact.

Growing up, I was always taught to look at someone when they were speaking to you.  More importantly, look someone in the eye- it was a sign of respect, showed you were listening, and was 'good manners.'  In fact, I'm pretty sure on an occasion or two this was shouted at me after I'd done something to get myself in trouble and was feeling a bit embarrassed, hanging my head waiting to hear my punishment- "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"   

As an adult, I notice on a regular basis that a lot of people don't look you in the eyes when they are speaking to you, or when you are speaking to them.  Why?  Had they missed out on the fine Southern manners I was taught?  Are they distracted and not listening fully?  Are they nervous, perhaps not comfortable with making that level of contact or connection?  OR, am I just talking too much?

As a person who always looks you in the eye when you speak to me, I can understand why some people opt not to. Have you ever noticed that it's hard to look someone in both eyes, at the same time?  You usually end up looking at just one of their eyes or alternating between their left and right eyes.  Or worse, you stare in between their eyes at the space above their nose and between their eyebrows.  Awkward.  Do you think they can notice that I'm having trouble deciding where to look?  AND- when in a loud bar or space where it's difficult to hear, I find myself looking at someone's mouth instead of making eye contact. Is that rude? 

Sometimes I find myself concentrating so hard on making sure to look 'em in the eyes, that I actually don't hear what the person is saying.  I find myself being so concerned about making sure the person speaking to me knows that I am interested and listening that I focus too intently. But, I truly am interested and want to concentrate with my full attention.  I've also found that when I transition to the lip reading gaze, it makes people unnecessarily uncomfortable and begin to skim their teeth with their tongue as if they have food caught in their teeth. Sorry! Just trying to be sure I know what you're saying.

These types of observations are what fascinates me about social interaction and communication.  Everyone has their style, their way. That's what makes us unique and interesting and keeps us talking.  Gotta love human interaction and all of the wonderful and awkward things that go along with it. 

So next time you find yourself telling a story or deep in conversation, pay attention to your interaction style.  Do you go for the single eye stare?  The above-the-nose gaze?  The back and forth gander? What's your style?

-Whitney